Озорная страничка

Автор: admin  //  Рубрики: Озорная страничка

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Новый русский, собираясь жениться, обращается к риэлтору с просьбой подыскать подходящий дом для семьи. Излагает свои требования:
- Мне нужен круглый дом.
- Как круглый?
- Я сказал, круглый, весь круглый.
- А как же пол, потолок, мебель и все остальное?
- Ты че, не понял? Я разве не ясно сказал: круглый!!!
- Но почему, объясните?
- Да теща говорит: «может, у вас и для меня найдется уголок…». 

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Бомжи Нью-Йорка вышли на демонстрацию против новых технологий: по их мнению абсолютно невозможно жить в коробке из-под плоского телевизора!

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Я свою квартиру продал двум покупателям сразу! А что и денег в два раза больше и пенсия по инвалидности в добавок!

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Городок. Риэлтор. Видео (не забудьте включить звук)

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Директор риэлторской конторы на собеседовании спрашивает у кандидата:
- Молодой человек, а по какой причине вы решили поступить на работу в наше агентство?
- Папа, не задавай идиотских вопросов!

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На стройку пришли работать практиканты из строительного техникума. Прораб показал все, объяснил, но главное, говорит, на стройке - это когда заказчик или приемная комиссия что-то такое вдруг находит или спрашивает, что да как, делать вид, что все так и должно быть! Настал день приемки, комиссия ходит по этажам. Вдруг раздается грохот, и стена дома рушится.
Практикант, глядя на часы, восклицает:
- Четырнадцать часов сорок пять минут! Точно по графику!

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Мужик звонит другу.
- Привет! Мы тут с женой купили новую квартиру!......
Не одолжишь немного хлеба???

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У дамы "одесской национальности" в гостях сидят подруги.
Звонит телефон. Один звонок, другой, третий... Через несколько минут дама таки ответила.
Когда она вернулась к гостьям, одна из них ее спрашивает: "Соня, ты почему так долго не отвечала?"
Та ей: "Шоб подумали, шо у меня таки большая квартира".

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Кошкин дом (Москва)
Продаю двухкомнатную квартиру, общая площадь - 54 кв.м. (кухня - 9 кв.м.). 4-й этаж 14-этажного панельного дома. Требуется косметический ремонт: в квартире жила бабушка с десятью кошками (точно не знаем, но кошек было много), не приученными к лотку.

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Квартиросъемщик-владельцу жилья:
- Хозяин, мне нужно еще 12 ключей-для меня и для моих друзей! Владелец со вздохом:
- А может, лучше поставить вращаюшуюся дверь?

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Чукча спрашивает другого чукчу.

- Я слышал, ты однако однокомнатную квартиру получил?

- Да.

- А ярангу куда дел?
- В комнате поставил.
- А в туалет куда ходишь?
- За ярангу.

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Друг говорит новому русскому.
- Хорошая у тебя квартира. Да.... Только тесновата слегка.
- Да подожди, мы ещё из лифта не вышли!

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Если вам говорят, что у вас уютное жилье, то чаще всего имеют ввиду, что маленькое, тесное и заставленное мебелью.

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Объявление о продаже квартиры. Видео  (не забудьте включить звук)

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Не хватило денег на однушку в Москве, пришлось купить виллу на Канарах...

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- Наверное, уроки игры на фортепиано для твоей дочери стоили целого состояния?
- Наоборот. Благодаря им я купил соседнюю квартиру за полцены.

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В страховую фирму приходит пожилой мужчина:
- Мне сказали, что у вас страхуют отдельные части тела. Это так?
- Да, вы не ошиблись! У нас Чехова застраховала свой бюст, Киркоров - голосовые связки. У нас же (в свое время) Пеле страховал  ноги. А вы что хотите застраховать?
- Я бы хотел, - смущаясь, говорит мужчина, - застраховать... мужское достоинство.
- Это можно. А сколько вам лет?
- Мне 60.
- Тогда вам нужно обратиться в другой наш отдел, который страхует недвижимость...

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Риелтор по продаже недвижимости разъясняет:
- Я хочу быть с вами честным до конца. Этот дом имеет свои недостатки. На севере от него находится огромная мусоросвалка, на востоке - отстойник, на юге - свиноферма, а на западе - рыбная фабрика.
- Что вы говорите?! А какие же у этого дома преимущества? Риелтор очень убежденно отвечает:
- Вы всегда точно знаете, откуда дует ветер!

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НР делится с приятелем: - Я тут ремонт сделал. Большие бабки вложил! В спальне во всю стену фотообои в виде дверок шкафа сделал. Жаль только, что не моющиеся. - А зачем в спальне моющиеся обои?
- Да уже столько мужиков головы себе порасшибали.

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Тебе нужна квартира. Видео  (не забудьте включить звук)

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ОБЪЯВЛЕНИЕ.

Самоубийца снимет квартиру! 1-й этаж, без ванной и газовой плиты НЕ ПРЕДЛАГАТЬ!!!

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Табличка на дверях синагоги: "Войти сюда с непокрытой головой такой же грех как прелюбодеяние!"
Внизу подписано карандашом: "Пробовал и то и другое. Разница - огромна!"

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Коллеги спрашивают счастливчика, получившего новую муниципальную квартиру: Сколько недоделок Вы обнаружили в новой квартире?
- Пока одну.
- Это же классно! А какую?
- Никак не могу открыть дверь!

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Вопрос: риЭлтор или риЕлтор?

Ответ: нЭ знаю!

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Женщина консультируется с продавцом в строительном супермаркете:
- У меня трое детей. Одному три годика, другому – шесть, а третьему – скоро будет десять. Чем бы вы посоветовали покрыть полы в детской?
Продавец (задумчиво): - Лучше, конечно, заасфальтировать…

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Чтобы купить квартиру в центре Москвы, нужно работать 400-450 лет… Вот видите, правительство заботится о том, чтобы мы жили как можно дольше!

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Выбор квартиры. Видео (не забудьте включить звук)

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Два альпиниста из последних сил забрались на вершину горы, сидят, отдыхают, о своих делах говорят…
- Как у тебя с вариантом обмена?
- Да я что, дурак – на пятом этаже без лифта?

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"Еще пятьдесят грамм инвестиций — и я уже недвижимость... "

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- Как можно узнать опытного риэлтора?
- По опухшему правому уху, вытянутому языку и стертым по колени ногам.

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Один нелёгкий день из жизни риэлтора. Видео (не забудьте включить звук)

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Продам автомобиль АУДИ. 5 лет. Пробег 10 км. Чисто по квартире катался

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Директор пристально разглядывает новую секретаршу.
- Четверо детей, - говорит ему на ухо начальник отдела кадров.
- Не может быть. У такой молоденькой и уже четверо детей?
- Не у нее, а у вас.

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После того как приняли программу "Доступное жилье", цены на недвижимость взлетели до небес. А сейчас похоже, кто-то готовит нам программу "Доступная жратва"... (Свят! Свят!)

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По семейным обстоятельствам. Видео (не забудьте включить звук)

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Звонок в дверь.
- Здравствуйте, это ваши соседи снизу.
- Ну?
- Вы не могли бы кран в ванной закрыть? А то еще ножки промочите, простудитесь, заболеете и умрете… А не умрете, так мы сейчас вас сами убьем!!!

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Объявление риэлтора: Меняю одну жену 36 лет на две по 18. Четыре по 9 не предлагать!

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Агент по аренде недвижимости принимает у себя в офисе потенциального квартиросъемщика. Широко улыбаясь, он обращается к посетителю: - Ну-с, сначала скажите мне, на какую оплату вы рассчитываете? Мы вместе посмеемся, а девочки пока подготовят для вас список предложений...

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Звонок в риэлторскую фирму:
- Здравствуйте. Я хотел бы поговорить со своим менеджером.
- Сожалею, но это невозможно - его нет.
- Как нет - я его минуту назад в окно видел!
- Он вас тоже...

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Чукча продает чум. Видео (не забудьте включить звук)

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Возле стройки тормозит чёрный "Мерседес", из окошка высовывается новый русский и предлагает рабочим:
- Мужики, нужен рубероид, даю две сотни баксов! Что еще можете толкнуть? Те ошалели от неожиданности:
- Все! Кирпич, цемент, стекло, прораба...

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Новый русский покупает квартиру и спрашивает:
- А это тихая квартира?
- Очень тихая! Предыдущего владельца пристрелили, так никто и не услышал! 

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ОБЪЯВЛЕНИЕ:

Циклюю паркет. Недорого. Правда, плохо...

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Хозяин – покупателю квартиры:
- Посветить вам на ступеньки?
- Нет, спасибо, я уже лежу внизу.

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Самые необычные дома планеты. Видео (не забудьте включить звук) 

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Разговор квартиросъемщика и хозяйки:
- Когда я выезжал из предыдущей квартиры, хозяйка плакала.
- Не волнуйтесь, со мной этого не случится. Я беру квартплату вперед.

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На стройке рухнул дом, и идет разборка, чья это вина. Подходят к кирпичам:
- Ага! Это вы виноваты, из-за вас дом рухнул. Кирпичи бьют себя в грудь и говорят:
- Да вы чего? Смотрите, какие мы крепкие. Мы тут ни при чем! Посмотрели, действительно, крепкие. Подходят к песку:
- Ага! Из-за тебя рухнул дом. Ты виноват! А песок: - Да вы чего? Меня тут полно... как из-за меня мог рухнуть дом? Нет, я тут ни при чем. Посмотрели. Действительно, хороший песок, и много его вроде. Идут дальше. Подходят к цементу:
- Ага! Это ты виноват, что дом рухнул!
- ЧЕ Я?!! ЧЕ Я?!! ДА МЕНЯ ТУТ ВООБЩЕ НЕ БЫЛО!!!

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Квартирант говорит своей любознательной хозяйке:
- Вы знаете, я уже смирился с тем, что вы читаете все мои письма. Но мне не хотелось бы, чтобы вы на них отвечали!

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Коммунальная квартира. Пошла одна из жительниц в ванну помыться. Моется, вдруг в окно над дверью заглядывает небритая рожа соседа. Девушка возмутилась:
- Как вам не стыдно! Вы что, никогда обнаженной натуры не видели?
- Плевать мне на твою натуру, я смотрю чьим мылом ты моешься.

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Позвольте представиться: Иван Недвижимый, риэлтор – новострой и вторичка.
- Очень приятно: Петр Баландин, начальник тюрьмы – хлеб и вода.

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"Новый русский" покупает недвижимость в Англии. Ему показывают его будущие владения:
- Вот эти леса будут ваши, вон те поля будут ваши... Он на все лениво взирает из окна лимузина.
- А вот там ваш будущий замок. Первая половина ХVIII века... "Новый русский", - встрепенувшись: Так, минуточку, а где вторая половина?

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Недвижимость с ночной скидкой. Видео (не забудьте включить звук)

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Вопрос к риелтеру: И что вы имеете в виду под недвижимостью? То, что
плохо лежит, или то, что хорошо стоит ?

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Петька прочитал объявление, что меняется 3-комнатная благоустроенная квартира на любую жилплощадь. А у них с Анкой - коммуналка. Пришел по адресу, открывает Василий Иванович:
- Здорово, Петька, проходи, смотри. Он осмотрел квартиру, она шикарная! Вдруг Петька захотел в туалет, подошел к двери, дергает, а она не открывается. Василий Иванович говорит:
- Петька, да ты свет-то включи, тогда и дверь сама откроется. Петька зашел в туалет, сделал свои дела, дверь захлопнулась и не открывается. Он стучался, стучался, а Василий Иванович ему кричит:
- Петька, ты забыл за собой смыть. Он смыл, дверь и открылась.
- Василий Иванович, ты что это такую отличную квартиру меняешь?
- Да ты знаешь ведь, Петька, как у нас бывает, то воды нет, то света...

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Шеф объясняет молодому маклеру в чём разница между вежливостью и тактичностью: Недавно, показывая клиенту роскошную виллу, я случайно приоткрыл незнакомую дверь и оказался в ванной комнате, где принимала душ красивая молодая женщина. Сказав "простите, сэр" я вышел. Так вот, сказав "простите" - я проявил вежливость. Сказав "сэр" - я проявил тактичность.

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Рекламное объявление:

Хотите, чтобы покупка квартиры запомнилась вам на всю жизнь? К вашим услугам картавый риэлтор-заика!

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Покупателя знакомят с планировкой и обустройством продающегося коттеджа. Проходят на кухню. Внезапно в дверях появляется собака. Поднявшись по стене и пройдя по потолку, она берёт бутылку коньяка, наливает себе рюмку, выпивает, закусывает солёным огурцом и тем же путём уходит. Потрясённый клиент обращается к маклеру: Надо же, сколько лет живу, а первый раз вижу, чтобы коньяк закусывали солёным огурцом.

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Объявление:

Куплю квартиру в двухэтажном доме. Крайние этажи не предлагать.

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Клиентка, желающая купить квартиру, пришла в агентство и рассказывает: До вас я заходила в агентство А... и просила их найти квартиру, на кухне которой были бы зелёные обои, но они стали надо мной смеяться! Возмутительно! Что смешного в том, что я люблю зелёные обои?
Директор агентства: Ничего смешного. Я тоже люблю обои зелёного цвета.
Клиентка: Правда? А вы их любите с маслом или со сметаной?

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После первой брачной ночи с богатым пожилым господином невеста разговаривает с подругой:
- Ну, как он?
- Теперь наконец-то я поняла, о какой недвижимости он все время бормотал…

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Поп показывает молоденькой симпатичной риэлторше продаваемую им квартиру. Войдя на кухню, предлагает: Отведайте красавица монастырского винца.
-Спасибо, батюшка, я не пью.
Выходят на лоджию и хозяин опять предлагает: Давайте выкурим по хорошей гавайской сигаре.
девушка : Спасибо, батюшка, я не курю.
Проходят в спальную.
- Притомилась ты наверное, голубушка, передохни у меня до утра. Девушка, покраснев сказала: Благодарю вас, но я замужем. Перед самым выходом из квартиры она решила спросить: Батюшка, вот я не пью, не курю, мужу верна, скажите, правильно ли я живу? Поп поскреб бороду и ответил: Правильно. Но зря.

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Купила семья квартиру. Стали делать ремонт. Жена мужу говорит:
- Сходи к соседям снизу, спроси сколько они рулонов обоев покупали, когда делали свой ремонт. Он пошел, ему сказали:
- Двадцать.
Купили, стали клеить. 6 рулонов осталось. Муж злой, снова идет к соседям:
- Вам че, сволочи, сказать правду было сложно? У нас 6 рулонов осталось!
- И у нас 6 осталось.

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Опытные тимуровцы польют огород, вынесут мусор и сходят в магазин за право
пользования квартирой.

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Ничто так не скрепляет брак, как недвижимость ...

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Молодой начальник в конце дня заявляется на стройку, видит, пожилой маляр помыл кисти, тщательно их вытирает, он ему говорит, что это Вы за тридцать  минут до конца рабочего дня уже собираетесь домой?

Маляр: Так ведь я пока инструмент помою, краску упакую, мусор уберу, робу сниму,  руки помою,  уже и будет конец рабочего дня.

Начальник: Неправильно, вот я, например, начинаю собираться,  только тогда, когда на часах уже 6 часов.

Маляр: А что Вам собираться-то: рот закрыл и пошёл!

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Самое важное изобретение в истории человечества - письменный договор.
Он позволяет людям изложить на бумаге все причины, по которым они не доверяют друг другу.

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Крупной столичной строительной компании срочно требуется на работу АHТИКРИЗИСHЫЙ МЕHЕДЖЕР.
Требования к кандидату:

1) Высшее строительное образование, опыт руководящей работы в девелопменте не менее 10 лет, знание строительно-архитектурной документации, СHИПы, ГОСТы и т. п. Опыт согласования проектов.

2) умение клеить обои без пузырей, класть пеноблоки, гипсокартон и плтитку, ровнять полы и стены по маячкам.

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10 последствий ремонта в вашей квартире:

1. Вы вытираете ноги не перед тем, как войти в квартиру, а перед тем, как из нее выйти.
2. В вашем доме появились белые тараканы.
3. Ваша кошка переключилась с валерьнки на олифу.
4. Вы стали переворачивать котлеты на сковородке шпателем.
5. Зайдя в туалет, вы забываете о первоначальной цели визита и начинаете внимательно изучать подключение унитаза и проверять наличие щелей между кафельными плитками.
6. Вы выносите мусор десять-двадцать раз в день.
7. Вы гладите свою супругу широкими маховыми движениями вверх-вниз...
8. В свою очередь. супруга привыкла место щечки подставлять вам стремянку.
9. Где бы вы не оказались – в лесу, у моря, на переговорах с главой иностранного государства - везде вас преследует запах краски.
10. В кои-то веки вы радуетесь, что у вас маленькая квартира.

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Если вы живёте в малогабаритной квартире и у вас нет места для уголка игрушек, детской кроватки и коляски - ПРЕДОХРАНЯЙТИСЬ!!!

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102

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Парень жалуется приятелю:
- Квартиру тяжело продать - родители постоянно дома!

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Двое скинхедов в магазине "Стройматериалы":
- У вас арматура есть?
- Да. А, что строить будете?
- Светлое будущее.

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Одна вдова по объявлению познакомилась с мужчиной и пригласила его в гости. Привела себя в порядок, накрыла стол. Пришёл мужчина при параде, с цветами, с коньяком и коробкой конфет. Сели за стол, выпили по рюмочке, закусили.
- Квартира у вас и вправду хорошая. На вас записана?
- Нет, на дочку. Но у неё своя, очень хорошая.
- А дача? Вы писали, дача у вас.
- Дача тоже на дочку записана. Но хозяйничаю там я.
- А машина?
- Сын пользуется. Но никогда не отказывает, если мне куда-нибудь надо.
Мужчина встаёт, одевается, забирает со стола коньяк, конфеты. В дверях оборачивается:
- Что же вы порядочным людям голову морочите?!

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104

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Трое новых русских обсуждают какие замечательные у них дети:

1) - Вот у меня сын - молодец, по моим стопам пошел -
недвижимостью занимается, дела хорошо идут, и по жизни
не мелочится - недавно другу квартиру в Париже подарил.
(2) - У меня тоже молодец - автосалон открыл, дорогими машинами
торгует, дело процветает, сам живет на широкую ногу -
другу Ferrari подарил недавно.
(3) - И у меня молодец - банк организовал, развернулся,
недавно другу огромный кредит беспроцентный дал на 30 лет.
Тут залетает четвертый новый русский:
(4) - О чем говорите?
(1-2-3) - Да о детях.
(4) - А мой - гомик, блин! Hо у него квартира в Париже, Ferrari,
а недавно кредит беспроцентный взял на 30 лет - и как это
ему удается?

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Хозяин дома строго спрашивает нового постояльца:
- Надеюсь, у вас нет детей? Не выношу их крика.
- Нет, я один.
- Собаки, кошки? Они беспокоят жильцов.
- Нет.
- Вы не будете включать радиолу? Играть на музыкальных инструментах?
- Нет, не собираюсь. Но хочу предупредить: я писатель, иногда пишу, а перо немного скрипит...

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105

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Это просто безобразие!
- говорит квартирант хозяйке. - Я живу в вашем доме уже полгода, а вы только сегодня сказали мне, что здесь нет ванны!

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Клиент спрашивает риэлтора:
- А почему риэлтор всегда отвечает вопросом на вопрос?
- А зачем вам это нужно знать?

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106

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Два волка сидят в офисе и ковыряют огромными зубочистками в зубах , на стене плакат " На нас еще не жаловался ни один клиент".

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У риэлтора бессонница. Он жене:
- Что-то не спится…
Она:
- Посчитай до 1000.
Он:
- А это рубли или доллары?
Она:
- А какая разница?
Он:
- Так переводить по курсу надо…

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Решена жилищная проблема в России. Правительство заявило, что теперь цена за квадратный метр не будет увеличиваться. Будет уменьшаться квадратный метр.

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Почему дом во Флориде стоит 500 тысяч $, а такой же на рублевке 5 миллионов $
- Потому что Флорида это 15 000 километров от МКАД

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Риэлтор с женой в постели. Жена разочарованно и задумчиво:
- Да-а, дорогой, видно, долгая работа в недвижимости бесследно не проходит...

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